Predicting the Winners of the Inconsequential Wrestlemania 33 Matches

At Wrestlemania, everyone’s a winner. It’s that time of year when people we only see in action at house shows are all crammed into the Wrestlemania card. It’s also a time to crown new champions, and end storylines on a high note. So obviously there is some sort of dichotomy going on: some matches matter, whereas others don’t. Whether this is a result of shoddy booking or just audience apathy, people really don’t care about these matches. So who will walk away as the winner from these matches?


3. The Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

The Battle Royal is one of the easiest ways to stuff a card with people who wouldn’t normally be having a match on pay-per-view. Undercard tag teams, undercard workers, and midcarders who got stiffed out of a match by part timers. Since there’s no real point to winning, (aside from a sweet trophy whose pose you have to copy any time you’re filmed alongside it), it’s mainly seen as a time-killer.

Right now, only four people have announced their participation in the match. Curt Hawkins, Apollo Crews, Mojo Rawley, and Big Show all seek to add their names to the list of winners. As of now, they are also the only four people who seem to actually want to be in the match.

While the smart money is on The Big Show (how can you eliminate a giant?), don’t discount Curt Hawkins just yet. He could make any and all of his opponents face the facts (and elimination).

However, Mojo Rawley is another potential winner, and most likely to win. Big Show’s already won. WWE is unlikely to give this to Crews since everything they’ve done with him has failed. It’ll also be a Wrestlemania moment that he can dedicate to friend Zack Ryder. Hence, I believe they’ll go with Rawley for this.

Winner: Mojo Rawley


2. John Cena and Nikki Bella vs The Miz and Maryse

Yeah, it’s happening. Cena and his girlfriend will fight the Miz and his wife. Miz has beef with Cena. Nikki has beef with Maryse. It’s not our place to care or wonder why people thought this was actually a good idea. We just have to watch, but we really don’t.

Mixed gender tag matches are nothing special at best. At worst, they are slow, plodding, and disjointed affairs. The whole “if a woman tags in then the other woman has to tag in and vice versa” really interrupts the flow of the match. I just can’t see this actually being a good match. Decent, maybe.

I wholly believe Cena will win, and then he will propose to Nikki Bella. Why else would Maryse say that she would never get married? That’s all anyone’s said about Nikki since she came back. Carmella, Natalya, and now Maryse. That will be the payoff. Not the match. Not the Miz getting his ass handed to him. Not Nikki smashing Maryse in the face with her forearm. No, it will be in the vein of Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth, with all sorts of romance involved.

Winner: John Cena and Nikki Bella


1. Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg

This match is really not that big of a deal. Two part-timers are fighting over a championship that has less prestige than the United States Championship. Yes, Chris “supposed to be a transitional champ but I’ve held the belt for way too damn long” Jericho’s United States Championship, which has seen a massive decline in prestige, is better than the consolation prize that is the Universal Championship. The belt sucks. The name sucks. The whole thing sucks.

No one cares about this match, because we all know how that 2004 match went down. There is no way in hell Goldberg got any better. He sweats just walking to the ring. He can’t wrestle anymore. This whole match just screams “We have no more stars; please watch Wrestlemania”.

Brock is gonna win this, because they’re gonna feed him to Roman Reigns. It’s how it’s always been. That’s always been the plan. You think only old people like Cena, Triple H, and Goldberg get to say they kicked Brock’s ass? That is so assbackwards and plain wrong. They’ve got to have a young guy slay Brock. That guy just so happens to be Roman. If they want Roman to be champion, he’ll take it off Brock. Brock will be the longest-reigning transitional champ ever, but he’ll still be champ.

Winner: Brock Lesnar

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